It's amazing how time flies without you realizing it. Last year, I made myself a couple of promises and one of it was to look back at who I am throughout the whole year at this very specific day, June 28th. And also the last time for me to talk about this.
This is going to be a long read
With my very own promises to self in mind, whenever I felt lost, depressed and even close to give up, I will force myself to reflect on my past. Thats the way to strengthen again my resolution to become a better person, someone I will and want to feel proud about a year later.
A year ago, I had one of my great falls and that moment, nothing I had experience before is harder than that fall. Its definitely not the massive or serious one compared to other people out there, but enough for me to be torn apart. Out of choices that comes with the great arguments, I had to let go a person that I treasured and loved greatly. The very person that I treasured with my life, the person (or maybe just me) that shared a vision of our future together. Someone that I never loved that much, giving out all my all. Yeah, throughout the three years, it was bumpy, things were rough, mistakes are done, but I always believe that we are meant to be. Imagine my naivety, to be so affected on the promises we made to each other, believing in them again and again. Then I have to stand and watch this little dream space that we build together since day one crumpled into ashes, unable to do anything except staring at them till it was all gone.
Initial Stage.
When it all happened, I was so angry and couldn't stop putting the blame was on him. How could he just be so ignorant, so okay about it? Why can't he apologise? I endure three years with him, giving my all and this is how he repay me? And the questions, blames go on and on.
It doesn't take me long for me to start blaming myself. Why wasn't I good enough? I should have begged for another chance. What had I did that he was so mad about? The self blaming took a toll on me. The suppression of past three years along with the blow on this break up, I became lost. So lost that I felt so empty. For a person who cried super easily, I lost my tears for a period of time, unable to choke up a crying session. Whenever I looked into the mirror, the questions come flooding in. Most of the time I would ask myself, "Who am I?".
When the day it happened, I felt extremely depressed. I wanted to be with someone but I can't find anyone to talk to or to cry to. I blame it on myself. When I was in the relationship, I neglected my friends. I don't hang out with them except when going to college or some rare dinner session. I don't give them my time and that moment, I believe that I deserved to be alone because of what I did.
Little did I know I was wrong. The next day I can't help myself but to call out one of my best friend. She picked it up and immediately agreed to hang out. Karaoke and some heartfelt moments, I felt so much better. The same night after I found out another secret he had been hiding from me, I couldn't resist but to call my best friend in the middle of the night and this time, we cried together for about two hours.
Friends are really meant to be by your side forever. Another good friend of mine who immediately text me when she found out about the break up made me cry badly. A person who rarely plan for our outings, she did it for me. Planned a girls night successfully and had me feel all warmed up.
There are many more people who helped me throughout the break-up process, assisting me back on my feet, letting me know that it's okay to start all over again. Friends, they are like gold to me.
Resentment. I resent myself. I admit I crawled back to him a couple of times. Finding excuses to text him but in return, I got cold treatments. It was like a sharp knife stabbing right back at the wound. It took me some time to finally stop hanging onto him. My thanks to him for putting up with me on this. But during those times, every single time when I done texting him, I hated myself even more. Often the thought on how low I am to do such things when I'm the one who asked for it.
Self-Rediscovery.
It doesn't took me long to feel guilty. I can't help to think of the trouble I caused to people around me. I don't want to constantly make people around me worry about myself. Its just a breakup after all, right? The world still goes on. :)
After scrolling loads of articles, I made a decision to seek for my true self. Let it be getting the old self back or making a new one, I need an aim to move forward. A mental list was born, filled with what I always wanted to do way back then and in the future.
I wanted to look good (I was a little bit puffy back then) and applied for a gym membership, enjoying myself for the first few months (things seems to be always in my way and gradually started missing out gym). I joined yoga (something I really really enjoy) and even gave myself makeover (new life, new look!). I used to be stuck in conservative way of dressing. I decided to break that wall and be a little daring/bold.
Believe it or not, I was constantly being bugged to meet other people. I tried Tinder and stuff giving me both nice and bad encounters when meeting the matches. After a couple of tries, I trashed Tinder because its just a waste of time and I know I definitely won't find the next one there. I'm just not ready for any of it yet.
Under a help of one friend, I somehow got a little over my socially awkward self. Be more open and perhaps less shy.
My colleagues became my awesome comrades, allowing me to find all these little joy at work. I learnt to start standing up for my point and making decisions. Not fully empowering it but at least at some times, I did it for myself. Mistakes, reckless decisions, funny businesses, things that I might regret deciding on, but all when I look back, I feel happy because without them, I wouldn't have know who I really am.
Another breakthrough that I achieved was my awkward problem when surrounded with new people and environment and I will find myself having difficulties in taken the first step. Boasting about my achievement, I am able to minimise and overcome it with the help of one amazing game, Ingress. I talked about Ingress sometime ago
here and it does really help me come out of my shell.
Reflections.
Now that I had the time and freedom of my own, I realised how much had I missed out on life. So many things that I regret not doing when I'm younger (not that I'm very old now) and had the chances.
Throughout the whole year,
I had a change of style. Gone with the overly boring conservative style, come with my comfortable ways of dressing. Step by step, I found my kind of style and maybe earn myself with a little tiny bits of fashion credit.
My childlike fringe is gone and my long messy hair says goodbye too. Had a cut at number76 and hell I love the new hair. I also found my right everyday makeup routine too. I don't know how and where but there is this theory that I instilled in myself, saying how looks/appearance affect your level of confidence. When I walked out with the right outfit and look, I have this inner spark that makes me think I can take over the world.
Owning a passport (LOL). I'm one hell of lucky when the day before heading to have my passport done, they announce the new price for it. Hence my passport is cheaper yo! xD With that comes my very first oversea trip :D I had been dying to go to Korea and I thought I'm gonna missed it as he says no for it. When my friends proposed to me, I immediately jumped into it and the next thing I know, I'm in the land of KIMCHI! pssssstttt! I also got the chance to meet DBSK super up-close! We checked in together, with ChangMin beside me and YunHo behind me. Talking about the happy drooling moment xD
Went for two concerts (kind of). First was the MTV World Stage, singing along with B.O.B and the other was ZChen mini concert. Not bad, not bad :P OH! And Mamma Mia musical that makes me binge the entire soundtrack for days.
Scrolling down my own Instagram, I realised the increased amount of outdoor activities I took part of compared to the time before. Another score for me! :D
Kitchen experiments for my journey to become a sexy master chef. Been doing plenty of kitchen games, making so many stuff. Thank god till this moment, no reports on any casualty by any of my food testers :P
Definitely more awesome stuff had happen but my poor brain couldn't contain them all. Trips, adventures, bondings, and more filled up my past one year, making me realised that life is so much more wonderful.
Thoughts.
I remember being haunted by my own promises. Or rather the promises that we make for each other. I couldn't move on completely, let alone free myself from the inner cage. I ofter wonder when will I get away from that ghost inside me?
It was when I realised that the all promises means nothing now and it was the current girl that he holds on the promises to. I remember how much betrayal I felt when he broke it all through the statements he made to his new life now. Thats when I woke up and freed myself from the guilt and the chains of promises.
And there, I learnt my lesson. I don't give promises like before. I don't give an absolute future-ish promise. I know, I remember, I realised how impractical that is. I still give out my trust but lesson will be learn that I still got to trust myself.
I was given a chance to live again and this time, i am the one holding the cards. I will play by my rules, I will control them and here, I keep wishing I play it right.
I walked out of my dark side. I found light.
Falling is never an option but somehow I doesn't regret or resent it anymore. If not because of this, I wouldn't be able to find my true self. I wouldn't be able to feel free or witnessing so many incredible chances around me. If its not because of that pitch black moment, I wouldn't learn to appreciate the lights around me, even if they are small little lights.
Forgiving is the biggest life lesson I ever learnt. Forgive myself, freeing myself from the self-torturing moment. Forgiving him as he definitely deserves better. Forgive every mistakes we both done as they are just little steps to be a better person in the future.
Forgetting is the test to see if you are to become a better person. A person could not simple forget, especially on a three-year long thing. Its how you turn them to benefits yourself, to remove hatred and making it into something that worth the recall without regrets.
Everyday, no matter how bad or good my day is, I still feel thankful. Thankful that I still could feel the love around me. Thankful that after crawling out of the dark hole, I wasn't being abandoned. I have my family and friends around me that I wouldn't stop loving. Best of all, I earned myself a person that allows me to breathe on my own, giving me all the love and care, trusting me and my judgements even when I don't trust myself. The tiny efforts, the unbelievable amount of trust thrown to me, my pillar to be confident, the ones who wouldn't stop encouraging me to live my dreams and knowing me inside out, thank you for your countless support and love.
This will be the last time I rant through the past. Right now, I still got alot of catching up and dreams to chase.
With this, the date today will no longer holds any significant pain. I here, had fulfil my very own promise made a year ago and from this moment onwards, I am ready for everything thats gonna be throw in my face.
